Click on a principle to learn more about it:
What Is The Purpose Of Life?
I spend most of my time just trying to get through the day. I am in my own head constantly. Thinking about me and what I need to do to be happy today.
What am I going to eat today? What am I going to do for fun today? How am I going to deal with life today?
It’s all about me. No wonder I feel a lot of misery on these days. That’s the irony of it all. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to make myself happy that it makes me miserable.
And who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
What’s the answer then? I mean, don’t we all want to be happy? Isn’t that a valid pursuit? Isn’t that what life is all about?
When I was at COR - the food recovery retreat that saved my life - one of the speakers said something that changed my life. He said…
“We were made to love others. That is the root of happiness.”
That’s it! The thing I have been looking for all my life. I had been so involved in myself and so wrapped up in my addictions that I didn’t have anything left to give to others. I was blocked off from God because I was numbing everything out with food and alcohol. And then because I felt disconnected from God, I also felt disconnected from people. I felt isolated and alone. And this led to misery.
I found my answer at COR - I need to love other people more.
So if I have the answer, why am I still struggling? Sure I am not in the food anymore and I quit drinking over 3 years ago, but I still struggle with feeling that connection with people. I still feel lonely and isolated a lot. What’s up with that? I thought I was fixed?!
It turns out that we are never fixed, but we do get better.
I can honestly say that my relationships are so much better today than they were a few years ago and that is all because of recovery. I can honestly say that I see God working in my life every day and that is all because of recovery. I have a hope that I never had before and that is, yep you got it, all because of recovery.
I’m healing but I’m not healed. There’s a difference. And I don’t think any of us ever become fully healed. But there is so much peace and joy that comes from the healing. I truly have to remember to stay in the present and be thankful for where I’m at today. It’s light-years away from where I was.
And when it comes to people, I need to keep working on giving of myself more. I give in a lot of ways, but I still can be super selfish. I need to remember that we are here to love each other. True happiness comes from that connection with people. I need people. I need you. And I want you to know that I’m glad you are in my life.
If we believe the purpose of life is to find happiness then that means the purpose of life is to love each other.
That is a pretty great purpose that I can get behind. It takes patience and it takes generosity. I have to be willing to give all that has been given to me. And by giving I get another day.
Generosity
The new single - Principle #11 - is coming 11.1.19
How To Survive Boredom While Sober
Can you write a good blog post in 40 minutes?
I don’t know. Let’s see.
Why is it 2:22 pm on my day off and I am still sitting at my computer working? I have a coaching call in 38 minutes. I was supposed to spend the morning relaxing but here I am. Still working.
Part of it is I love my work. It’s true, I do. But part of it is being afraid to stop. What happens when I stop? How do I relax without a drink, a cigarette or a pizza?
I don’t know.
I have been in recovery for about a year and a half now and I still struggle with this. Every day. I don’t know how to relax yet. For years and years, I used food to relax. And then when I was old enough, I started using alcohol to relax. And then I used both. I don’t think I have ever relaxed without a substance involved.
So what do you do when you take all the substances away?
You work all the time. You never relax. At least, that is what I have been doing. Work just becomes the new addiction, because I am using it to avoid my feelings. If I relax then I have to feel things. But I have been doing the work every day. Why am I still running from feelings? Maybe it’s not one of the big feelings? Maybe it’s just the dreaded…
Boredom!
It may just be boredom, but I don’t want to be bored. I hate being bored.
Does anyone like being bored?
I think often in recovery we feel like we were just running from the big emotions - anger, fear, loneliness. But we forget that sometimes we were just running from boredom and that one is harder to get our heads around. Is it ok to be bored? Of course, it is, but it sucks. And us addicts don’t’ know how to deal with it.
I keep hoping that tomorrow I will magically be able to deal with being bored, but tomorrow still hasn’t come. I’m starting to think this never changes. Are you telling me that “normal” people are just ok with being bored? How is that possible? What do you do with the boredom?
Before I drive myself completely crazy with all the questions, I have to pause and breathe…
Ok, that’s a little better. So what is the answer here? What is the solution to boredom while being sober?
The real answer is I don’t think there is an answer. And that is exactly why I can’t do life on my own anymore. I can’t deal with there not being an answer. But you know you can? God can. And that is why I have to trust Him.
Self-will will ruin me. Self-will will tell me to fix the boredom. But God will tell me to relax. It’s going to be ok. Just sit there. Be quiet and be bored. You are going to survive.
I don’t like it, but I also don’t like hangovers. I don’t like weighing 505 pounds and feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. I don’t like feeling hopeless. So I’m going to trust God on this one because my answers never worked for me in the past.
I am going to let myself feel the boredom, just like I have learned to feel the anger and fear. I’m going to just sit here and be bored. I’ll let you know if I survive.
My time is up…
Best Podcasts To Listen To Before You Die
“Live like you’re gonna die tomorrow and learn like you’re gonna live forever.”
There it is again. That great advice I got from my dad and he got from his mom - my grandmother for those of you who are doing the math at home.
Previously, I shared my list of Best Books To Read Before You Die. This was a list of all the books I have read (this far in life) that have completely changed my life.
These days, there are so many ways to get information into our brains. We are truly living in exciting times. There are books, audiobooks, online courses, YouTube videos, and on and on. But besides books, by far my favorite is podcasts.
So as promised, in honor of my new single called “Education,” here is my list of the best podcasts to listen to before you die.
Mindset
Money
Business
God, Religion and Recovery
Entertainment
The Cerebral Entertainment Podcast
There are so many freaking podcasts out there. Every day someone is starting a new one. It can be really overwhelming. Matter of fact, now that I am typing this I am remembering a few more I could add to the list. Good lord.
The point is I’m sure there are so many good ones that I don’t even know about. What did I miss? What are some of your favorites? Leave me a comment below and let me know what you are listening to!
Best Books To Read Before You Die
“Live like you’re gonna die tomorrow and learn like you’re gonna live forever.”
That’s probably the best advice I’ve ever been given. It’s something my dad says all the time and he got it from his mother (my grandmother). That sentence really sums up how I want to live my life.
In honor of my new single coming out on October 1st called “Education,” I thought it might be fun to share with you some of the books that have changed my life. That is not an overstatement for effect.
These books have literally changed my life.
That’s why I love reading so much. You never know if the next book might change the whole game for you. It has happened to me many times and the following books are the ones that have done it. Here are the best books to read before you die!
Mindset
7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Beyond Victim Consciousness by Lynne Forrest
Money
You Are A Badass At Making Money by Jen Sincero
Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki
Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
Profit First by Mike Michalowicz
Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
Business
This Is Marketing by Seth Godin
Permission Marketing by Seth Godin
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini
$100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau
Building A Storybrand by Donald Miller
Scientific Advertising by Claude Hopkins
The Boron Letters by Gary Halbert
The Ultimate Sales Letter by Don Kennedy
Made To Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
God, Religion and Recovery
The Reason For God by Timothy Keller
Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) by Anonymous
The Bible (ESV Study Bible) by God
I can’t recommend these books highly enough. If these subjects are something you struggle with, start with any one of these and it will shed a whole lot of light into your life. I even included the links to purchase them on Amazon so you have no excuses. I am not an affiliate or anything. I don’t get any money if you buy these. I just wanted to share them with you because somebody did that for me and my life has been changed forever!
I am just getting started too. There are so many more on my list and there is so much more to learn. I can’t wait!
I’d love to hear what you are reading. What books have changed your life? Leave me a comment and let me know!
BTW, next up is Best Podcasts To Listen To Before You Die - Stay Tuned!
This Is Why I'm Broke
I have always struggled with money.
My whole life. Growing up, I would spend every dime I had as soon as I earned it.
When I was deep in my addiction to alcohol and food, I was spending thousands of dollars a month to get my fixes.
It was insane. And it all led to a life of misery, poor health and empty pockets.
Once I finally quit drinking and the dust started to clear, I saw just how bad my situation was. And I decided to file for bankruptcy. That was bad. But then it got worse.
I found new addictions to spend money on. Outrageous Amazon orders. Putting more money than I had into my business.
Money has always been a struggle for me. And it’s funny, it doesn’t matter how much I make, I never have enough. How is that possible?
I used to think the answer to all my money problems was to just make more. But I keep making more and keep having less.
Something is broken. And it’s time to fix it.
Recovery has taught me a lot of things about life. One big thing I am learning right now is all about my beliefs around money. I wanted to share some of the myths about money that have made me broke. Maybe some of these sound familiar…
Money Myth #1: Money Is Evil
I have recently started to realize that I view money as evil. Evil people have all the money. People with money do evil things. Therefore money is evil. I didn’t think about this on a conscious level, but deep down in my gut that is what I always believed.
I don’t want to be evil so therefore I don’t want to have any money!
I would do a lot of things to make sure I stayed broke because broke people are the good people. We are the one in the trenches doing the good work. Not sitting up on a hill looking down on all the peons.
This obviously is not true, but I think a lot of people operate like it is. We want to believe that we are the good people. We need to justify our bad spending behaviors so we tell ourselves that only evil people have money.
The truth is money is not evil at all. People are selfish and sometimes selfish people do bad things with their money, but the money is neutral. Matter of fact, money is helping a lot of good people do great things. Money is saving lives. Just imagine all of the amazing things you could do for people if you had some extra money lying around.
Money Myth #2: Once Broke, Always Broke
I’ve heard this one my whole life from a lot of the people around me (these are of course broke people, by the way). They say things like “Broke people can’t get ahead” and “ Only the rich can get richer. “ Or my favorite is “It’s impossible to get out of debt. You might as well just get another credit card.”
That is the exact kind of thinking that got me into this financial mess!
Debt sucks, no doubt about it. And that is exactly why we need to get out as FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. But in order to get out of debt, we have to actually DO SOMETHING! You can’t keep doing the same old things and expect new results. You have to make sacrifices. You have to make changes.
You have to increase your income and decrease your expenses. It’s simple math but it’s hard work.
It is so worth it once you have the sweet taste of freedom. Any of us can do it. If you are reading this, shaking your head, and saying stuff like “You don’t understand. I’m different. I’ll never get out of debt.” You are lying to yourself. All you are doing is justifying your poor spending habits.
If you want to be free, you can be. That’s all there is to it.
Money Myth #3: It’s The Government’s Fault
This is one of my favorites. People want to believe that the government is holding them down to control the wealth and keep it for themselves. And I bought into this for a long time. Mainly because I didn’t want to have to blame myself for my money problems. It is much easier to blame the government.
The truth is we are free to do whatever we want to do with our money. We have the same opportunities as anyone else. The government actually has a lot of policies in place to HELP us succeed.
We are making choices on where to put our money. And as long as we choose to spend it on liabilities instead of assets, we will continue to be broke. The government doesn’t care how we spend our money. They have their own money problems to deal with.
Money Myth #4: There Isn’t Enough Money To Go Around
This is maybe the most common myth. Another name for it is “The Poverty Mindset.” We believe that the world is a scary place and everyone is out to get us. The rich people are hoarding all the money and we are only left the scraps. There is no way we can ever have the money we want. Only lucky people get rich, and we’re not lucky.
Does any of that sound familiar?
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We believe what we want to believe. And then we develop the habits and behaviors that back up those beliefs. We create spending habits that prove we are meant to be broke. We surround ourself with broke people so we can prove that it’s impossible for anyone we know to be wealthy.
The truth is you are choosing to be broke. And you can change it today, but you have to change your mind. And you may have to change some of your friends.
Money Myth #5: I Don’t Deserve Money
This is the hardest one to get over and it was a big one for me. I was full of resentment, fear, and shame and I felt like a piece of crap. And pieces of crap don’t deserve good things. I believed I didn’t deserve love, money or happiness. I was a bad person. And bad people deserve bad things.
I think a lot of us walk around with this stuff. We made some mistakes in the past and we decided to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives to make up for it.
You are a human being. And ALL human beings make mistakes. ALL human beings do awful things. And ALL human beings deserve forgiveness and a second chance.
You are not your mistakes of the past. That was an old version of you. You aren’t that person today. Today is a new day and it’s a new you. You need to forgive yourself. And then you need to forgive the other people in your life too.
Life is too short to walk around with that stuff. I guarantee you everyone around you is walking around with it too. The person you think is a perfect angel, has some kind of deep, dark secret they are holding on to. We all do.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to forgive yourself and start your new life today. The new you deserves great things. The new you can accomplish anything. The new you deserves love. And the new you deserves all the money you can dream of.
Are you ready for the truth?
You have a choice. You can stop blaming others for your life. You can take responsibility and start making changes. You can change your mindset and change your life. You can forgive yourself and join the rest of us who are moving on up and living the life of our dreams.
Or you can continue to believe these myths and continue on down the broke path of misery.
I hope you choose us because we are waiting for you.
We Are All A Bunch Of Liars
Have you ever walked down the street and looked into the eyes of people walking by you? I mean, really looked.
Most people are looking down (if they’re not looking at their phones). They look angry. Stressed. Depressed. And I bet if you walked up to any one of those people and asked them “How are you doing today?” they would pep up, put on a smile and say “I’m doing good!”
We are all a bunch of liars.
Every one of us is hurting. Deeply. And our pain is just beneath the surface. Some of us stuff it down more than others, but we all have that nagging feeling in our stomachs.
It’s the feeling that tells us we are alone. The feeling that tells us we aren’t ok.
It’s the fear that people don’t like us. It’s the fear that people may discover the real us, and abandon us forever.
Yet we go out into the world and tell everyone we are fine. And why wouldn’t they believe us?
We smile. Then we tell some self deprecating joke to lighten the mood. If it gets really bad, we will ask them how they are doing to take the attention off of ourselves.
What we really want to do is start crying, find someone to give us a hug and tell us it’s going to be ok.
Yet we don’t do it. We don’t ask for help.
We ignore our emotions. Tell ourselves we are ok. And then some tiny, little thing will go wrong and the next thing you know we are in a pint of ice cream crying asking…
What happened?
You’re hurt, that is what happened.
Someone hurt you a long time ago. Probably a lot of different people. It all starts when we are kids. Someone does something awful to us, even if they don’t mean to. Then we get programmed with some misinformation about ourselves (ie “I’m stupid” or “I’m ugly”) then we choose to believe it. Since we believe these lies, we attract people into our lives that will help reinforce them.
It’s crazy, right? We actually bring the people into our lives who make us feel the worst.
And then what happens? You become full of resentment, fear and shame. The next thing you know you are 35, walking down the street staring at the ground. Angry. Stressed. Depressed.
So what is the truth?
We never talk about this stuff. We are so scared to. We think that if we share our deepest, darkest secrets with another human, they would think we were nuts. At best, they would make fun of us. At worst, they would have us arrested or committed.
The opposite is actually true. Think about it. Since we are all walking around with this stuff, we are all waiting for the same thing.
We are desperately waiting for someone to open up to us and tell us their deepest, darkest secret.
Once someone opens up to us, then we feel like we can finally open up to them. We realize we are not the only one with secrets. We are not alone. We are not broken. We are just human.
Once we open up and share our secrets with someone, three things happen.
We get relief
The other person gets relief
The other person usually reacts with understanding and empathy because they have similar feelings and we both discover we are not alone.
All the pain we are holding onto can be let go through a simple conversation with another human being.
But someone has to go first.
The world is waiting to hear your story. Your deepest, darkest secrets could save someone’s life. Your deepest shame could be someone else’s hope. That is what you have inside of you. The opportunity to change or even save someone’s life.
We have to stop lying.
What if we started being totally honest with the next person who asked us how we were doing? Imagine how freeing that would be.
That is how you change the world. One honest conversation at a time.
How "I" Lost 200 Pounds
This is me at 505 pounds. Miserable.
On May 10th, 2018, I weighed 505 pounds. I felt like I was just waiting to have a heart attack. I was in pain constantly and could barely walk across a room without gasping for air. I was miserable, stuck and thought there was no hope.
On September 2nd, 2019, I weighed in at 305 pounds - the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life. I have lost 200 pounds.
I share this not to brag because Lord knows I didn’t do this alone. This is all God! I share this to give you hope. Anything is possible for you. If you think it’s too hard or it’s just not in the cards for you, you are wrong. It’s all in your head and you can change that.
A lot of people have asked me how I did it. That’s always the big questions, right? What is the secret? Here it is.
This Is How I Lost 200 Pounds.
This is me at 200 pounds lost. God is good.
The short answer is I didn't do it. This is all God. The only way this was going to happen was if I stopped trying to do it. I know that sounds kind of confusing, but it just means I couldn't do it alone. I needed a power bigger than me to step in and change everything. When I asked God to do that, everything changed.
The longer answer is Overeaters Anonymous. I got in the program and went all in. I got a sponsor and a nutritionist. I went through the 12 steps. I weigh and measure my food every single day and stick to a meal plan of clean, whole food that I love.
OA saved my life. It brought me back to God and helped me deal with all the stuff I was stuffing down. That is what I truly needed, not another fad diet plan. Diets don't work for people like me. Only full-throttle spiritual change works and that is exactly what the 12 steps of OA will do.
If you struggle with your weight and dieting, I can tell you there is a real solution. It is found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (which we use in OA). I would highly recommend going to the OA website, find a meeting and just go. It will change your entire life.
And if you have any questions about it, please send me a message. I am always happy to talk about it. You can do the things you think you can't do. You just haven't found the real way to do it yet. Well, now you have, cuz I just told you. The next step is up to you.
To learn more about Overeaters Anonymous and to find a meeting, please visit: https://oa.org.
Finding My Own Beliefs
Accepting that there is a higher power than just ourselves is a big hurdle for a lot of people in recovery and I was no exception.
My Belief System
I grew up in a strict Christian home. We went to church every Sunday and participated in all the extra stuff like Wednesday night church, youth group and youth choir. I remember never wanting to go to church but I didn’t have much of a choice.
I also didn’t have much of choice when it came to what I believed. I was instructed to believe the same things my parents did. There was no room for doubt. I was meant to just accept it all.
The problem was with being in such a strict home, I wanted to rebel. And that meant partying, drugs and sneaking out a lot - typical teenage stuff. But then it also meant rebelling against my parents’ beliefs.
It was hard for me to just accept their version of God because it was theirs and not mine.
And although it made sense to me, it took me a long time to get over it and find my way back to God. I had to spend some time on the other side of the fence to truly realize how good it is on this side.
How To Change Your Beliefs
I had to go out on my own and question everything. I couldn’t just believe what I was told to believe. I had to experience God, or the lack thereof, myself. So that is what I did.
My God became drinking and eating. There was nothing else for me to hold onto. And all that did was lead me down a path of self-destruction. I ended up weighing 505 pounds and feeling like I was about to die at any moment from a heart attack. It also led to severe depression and anxiety. My existence seemed pretty pointless and I felt suicidal for a lot of years.
What changed it all was getting to a place with my drinking and eating where I HAD to change. I was physically in so much misery that I couldn’t take it anymore. Rock bottom. I was going to change or I was going to die. And the truth was, I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to be free.
That is when I joined Overeaters Anonymous and started learning about the 12 steps of recovery. The genius of the 12 steps is that it brings you back to a relationship with God, one step at a time. If I could accept I was powerless over my addictions (Step One), then I could start to see that there is another power at work (Step Two). And here is the best part - I could define my “higher power” however I wanted to! That meant I got to choose what I believed. No one could tell me what to believe.
Choosing what to believe was the key that changed my whole life.
Now I was willing to look for God. I made a decision to look for him working in my life. And the minute I did that, I started seeing Him everywhere. He was working in my life in crazy ways. He always had been, I just never chose to see it before.
I was able to find my way back to God and this time it was MY God. I was able to choose to believe and to define who God was to me. I could take ownership of my beliefs which allowed me truly internalize them as truth.
It has been quite a journey and it took a while to redefine what I believe. The funny part is I still believe all the same things I was told to believe when I was a kid, but this time it was MY CHOICE and not my parents’. And THAT has made all the difference.
What I Learned From A Purple Cow
Seth Godin, if you don’t know, is a brilliant marketer and author. I have learned so much from reading his books. I just finished his classic Purple Cow and I have a conundrum.
In Purple Cow he talks about how your product needs to be remarkable to gain the attention of anyone. And I couldn’t agree more. But it’s really hard to define “remarkable” when it comes to music.
Seth goes on to say that sometimes there is no market for your product. You should make sure there is a market before you make your product. This makes total sense for just about any widget or app. But does it make sense for music?
Is There A Market For Your Music?
Music is art. It’s self expression. I think you have to make what is inside of you, whether there is a market or not. I understand this may not be good business, so then how do you reconcile being an artist AND being a business person?
If music is a hobby, who cares? Make it. Give it to your friends and family. It’s all good.
But if music is your passion and your business, the rules change. You can’t MAKE people like your music. They either do or they don’t. They either get it or they don’t. So then the question becomes, should you dumb your music down or put on a fake persona to make music that will sell?
I don’t think that is the answer either. Nobody wants music that doesn’t feel authentic.
So what is the answer?
How To Get Fans
I think you make the music that is inside of you. You write authentic, real music that says something. Make sure your music is about something. Give potential fans something to sink their teeth into. Then you bring professionals in to help you make it as good as it can possibly be.
Once your music is recorded and packaged, you go out and find your fans one person at a time. There may not be a huge “market” for your music, but there is surely one person out there who wants to hear your message. And if there is one person, then there is 100. If there is 100, then there is 1,000.
Kevin Kelly wrote a great blog post a few years back called 1,000 True Fans. This idea was a game changer for independent musicians. I remember when I first heard about this concept, I had hope again that I could make a career out of my music.
So the idea is all you really need is 1,000 Superfans to have a successful music business. If each fan purchases $100 of goods and services from you every year, you are making $100,000 a year from your music. Not too shabby. Plus 1,000 fans is a doable number, right? So if we can take our music to the people, one at a time, find the true connection, then we find our market.
So even if the market doesn’t exist, it does. Maybe not the way Seth Godin defines it, but it’s there. The only obstacle we have is finding the first fan. That’s the scary part.
Does That First Fan Exist?
What if we can’t find that one fan? My first follow up question to you would be, how hard did you try? Did you search the planet high and low or did you just make a couple posts on your Facebook page? Did you go door to door? Did you find other bands like you and ask if you could play for them? Did you study social media marketing and really learn how to get people engaged?
A lot of times we make a very weak effort and then throw our hands up and say “See I knew that wouldn’t work!” That way we can say we tried and the let ourselves off the hook. But no one ever had any kind of success with that little of effort.
Short of that dude who won the lottery and blew it in less than a year.
If you can honestly say you put in the effort, then my next question would be how long did you put in that effort? Most “overnight success” artists have been at it for 10 years or more before they had big success. That means you have to commit your life to your music. You have to live and breath it every day. You have to want it more than you want air. And you need to be willing to do whatever you have to do (legally, of course) to be successful.
Well, if this all sounds like way too much work then maybe your music is meant to be a hobby. And that’s ok. Make the music you love. Give it to friends and family. Enjoy it for the art it is and let the rest go.
There are a lot of ways to make money out there. But there is only one you. You are the only one who can make the music you make, so it is your job to make it.
And I promise, if it is authentic and true to who you are, I guarantee you there is someone waiting to hear it.
What Do You Think?
Is there a market for everyone’s music? Or should musicians create music for the market that exists? I would love to hear your opinion. Just scroll down and leave me a comment below!
How Worry Steals Our Joy
I worry a lot. I worry about little things. I worry about big things. I worry about my health all the time. Even if I feel great, I find something to worry about. I worry about money. Even if my bills are all paid, I worry about the next round of bills coming in.
I worry about my addictions coming back into my life. I worry about whether or not I will be able to fight them off forever. I worry about love and being single. Will I ever meet the girl of my dreams?
I worry about my career. Am I making music that is relevant? Am I reaching enough people? Will I be truly successful?
And on and on it goes.
The problem is these worries are stealing my joy. I am choosing to spend all my time in worry mode and that takes time away from thinking about things that make me happy. It also keeps me from doing some things because I am worried about the outcome.
Worry can destroy us. The more it steals away our small joyful moments, the more disconnected and frustrated we feel. The more frustration that comes into our life, the more we lean towards old bad habits. The next thing you know, we are back in the miserable cycle of addiction wondering how we got there again?
It all starts in our mind.
We get to choose how we spend our mental energy everyday. If we choose to worry, then we choose anxiety and a life of less joy than we deserve. But if we choose to let go of our worries, we are choosing to find more time to spend on joy and all the little moments in life that bring us happiness. Letting go of our worries frees us up to enjoy life again. And that is when we thrive instead of just survive.
I am not saying this is an easy process. Life is hard and confusing and there is a lot to worry about. But if we can start challenging these anxious thoughts right when they start, we can put them into two categories
A real, necessary worry.
An unnecessary worry about something we can’t control.
If we can let go of the worries that involve things we can’t control, we would be amazed how much of a burden would be lifted.
The next time that anxious thought enters your brain, ask yourself if it’s really worth giving up joy to spend time thinking about it? If it’s not, then just let it go. Give it to God or the universe, and turn your attention to all the awesome in your life. It may take a little practice, but once you get this down, you will start to see all the amazing things that are right in front of you.
Joy is right there waiting for you. All you have to do is choose it.
How To Find True Love In Life
When I was little I used to think that love would come easy. I would grow up, find the girl of my dreams, get married, have kids, blah blah blah.
You know how the rest of that goes.
I Want True Love In My Life
I dated a few girls growing up, but none of them seemed to stick around for long. Sometimes I would end it, sometimes they would. But I always knew it would end eventually.
I even had a couple of serious relationships over the years. But they ended too and when they did, I was destroyed.
I do not handle breakups very well. It feels like the end of the world and I have nothing to live for. All I can think about is them. Every song reminds me of them. Every friend I have gets to keep telling me how great the other person is doing now. Every place I go to reminds me of the places we used to go together.
What it really feels like is that the other person won and I lost.
They get to move on, find someone else and live happily ever after while I’m left in the dust. Crying alone. Spending every day missing that person until I die.
That’s how it always felt.
After you feel like that a few times, who would want to try again? It’s too hard. It messes up my life too much. I have things to do. Goals to accomplish. I can’t let some girl derail me like that every few months.
So then I started getting very cautious about who I paid attention too. The next thing you know, I was alone. Month after month. Year after year.
I would go five to six years without even going on a date. Then I would decide to let someone in. Give it a shot. Meet someone really great, but find a million reasons to break up with them.
Break up. Feel lonely. Wait another five or six years.
This has been my entire love life in a nutshell. And now I’m 42 and still on my own.
For the most part, it’s ok. I like being alone. I am a very driven person. I have some big goals. So I like that I have time and energy to focus on my career and life goals.
But I’m still a human being and I get lonely sometimes.
It’s hard seeing everyone around me paired up. They’ve got what looks like “the perfect life” while I’m out here still trying to figure it all out.
I think humans are designed to nest. We are supposed to find a mate, have some kids, buy a house. That’s what we do. And we get a lot of joy and security from it.
Nesting brings a lot of peace into our lives. The question I have been asking lately is this…
Can You Nest Alone?
I’m not sure, of the answer. But I feel like you can.
I have an awesome house in an awesome neighborhood in an awesome city.
It’s pretty awesome. ;)
I love my home. It’s comfortable. It has all my favorite things. It’s clean and functional. There is room for having friends over. Family can stay with me when they are in town. I’ve built a really nice nest and it brings me a lot of joy.
But it always feels like a big part is missing.
I don’t know if that’s because there really is something missing or if I’ve just been told so many times that there is something missing that now I think there is something missing.
You know what I mean?
In other words, am I really lonely or do I just think I am SUPPOSED to be lonely because I’m single?
The Secret To Finding Love
I think the answer is found in the core principles I’ve been writing songs about all year. If I can practice GRATITUDE and ACCEPTANCE every day, then I don’t focus on what I don’t have. I focus on what I do have.
And I have a lot.
If I can SERVE and participate in my COMMUNITY, then I am surrounded by love. I live in ABUNDANCE of love. There is no shortage around here.
If I choose to BELIEVE and practice PERSEVERANCE, then I can trust that God has a plan. I just need to keep living the life He wants me to live. If that includes another person, then He will bring that person into my life when the time is right.
And if I am meant to live a single life, that is ok too. God has blessed me with a higher purpose. He has given that to all of us and we don’t need another person to complete us. We are whole as we are because God makes us complete.
My life is bigger than just trying to pair up and have babies. As long as I am following my true purpose in life, then I get to live a super fulfilled, rich life.
I am already NESTING. And no matter what I do or where I go, I will have a home. I will never be alone. And I think that’s the whole point anyway.
Nesting
The new single from Chris Swan and Soul Motivation Records
Coming 8.1.19!
Suggested Articles
Rap Songs About Recovery
I used to drink every single day at WORK!
10 Long Island Teas. 10 double shots of Grand Marnier.
That is how I would start every day at the office. First thing. Before I could get any work done, I had to down at least a couple of each.
Now, full disclosure, I am a full-time musician. I make money from playing music in bars and restaurants i.e. “The Office.” It may be one of the very few jobs where drinking is actually ENCOURAGED on the job.
Sounds awesome, right?
Not at all. I guess it is at first, but it gets old really fast. Because the more your drink, the more you NEED to drink to have a good time. It got to the point where I was living out one of the famous scenes from The Blues Brother’s movie. I would have to pay more for my bar tab than I was getting paid for my services.
And then afterward, I would spend the rest of my money at Taco Bell.
That is what we call an unsustainable business model. And it was. Both for my pocketbook and my body.
It got to the point where I was drinking at least 20 drinks a night and still not feeling a thing. I would throw up from all the shear intake of liquid, then turn around and keep drinking hoping that eventually I would get a little buzz.
Dude. What a miserable existence.
I knew I had to quit when I ended up the E.R. with severe heart palpitations. That was my rock bottom. And I walked out of that hospital and began my sobriety journey.
The hardest part for me was still playing in bars every night. Just because I wasn’t drinking, that didn’t mean i didn’t have to go to work. I had to sit there and watch everyone party around me.
It really sucked.
I was jealous and pissed a lot. I was probably not a lot of fun to be around either.
But it did get better with time.
Anyhoo, the whole reason I am telling you all of this is because one of the biggest saviors in my recovery has been music. I have been able to put all my struggles into rap songs about recovery. It has given me an outlet to pour all my emotion into. I don’t know what I would do without it. I mean, I would still recover one day at a time, but having music to turn to has been a game changer for me.
One of the first songs I wrote about my recovery was a song called “Pain.” As you might guess, it was a song about just how bad my life had gotten. I was in a lot of physical pain and even more emotional pain. I was struggling to see any hope or any way out. So I sat down and wrote a super honest song about it.
“Pain” was really hard to write. I knew if I was going to do this song, I had to be brutally honest. There are a few lines in that song that I still cringe when I hear because it takes me back to that awful place.
Here is one particularly rough part of the song for me to listen to:
“Every day is a battle of wills,
My body versus me and who's got the skills?
Will I get out of bed, able to walk with a high head,
Or will I need a wheelchair instead?
I have to choose if the joy of sitting down is worth the pain of getting up,
Man, writing that down and saying it out loud feels really messed up.”
It was true. I could barely walk and I was headed for a wheelchair for sure. At the age of 40 I was about to need a wheelchair. Not because of any injury or life-threatening disease, but because I couldn’t stop drinking and eating and I had gained so much weight that my body was crumbling beneath me.
One of the first songs I wrote after going to a food recovery retreat and starting to work the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous (same as Alcoholics Anonymous), was a song called “The Mess Around.” I wrote this song with my good friend Chela Mancuso.
This was one of the first songs I wrote when I started to see hope again. This was a fun one to write and record. I still enjoy listening to this one because it reminds me of the hope I have found in recovery!
The Mess Around is all about telling my former drinking buddies why I don’t drink anymore. Basically , get off my case, stop asking me to “just have one dude!” because I don’t mess around anymore.
The lyrics in the third verse really sum it all up:
“ I don't mess around anymore 'cuz I am finally free,
I don't need to impress you people, I can let it be,
And I don't need to escape and numb my feelings out,
I'm not afraid anymore, yo, you should check this out,
See there's a reason that you're here, just have to take the time,
Be willing, honest and sure to open up your mind,
And when you do, I think it's safe to say you're gonna find,
It's time to leave that mess behind, and time to shine.”
I am so thankful for all the songs on my Welcome To The Fellowship album. Each song chronicles a different aspect of my recovery. These songs were a way to get the pain out but they were also a way to express my hope and joy that was starting to come back into my life.
I still go back and listen to these songs quite often. They inspire me and remind me that I’m not alone on this journey. I am part of a “distinct entity” of folks in recovery and I couldn’t be prouder to be a part of this family.
I hope you know that you are never alone. You are surrounded by people who want to love you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
And when you just don’t know what else to do, please don’t forget that music has the power to change your life. Find the music that speaks to you, turn it on and let it wash over you. Music has always shouted truth to me over all the lies rambling around in my brain.
It’s ready and waiting to do the same for you.
Suggested Articles
How To Overcome Doubt And Unbelief
Here are some old beliefs that are rattling around in my brain. Maybe you can relate to some of these.
If I’m not perfect, then I am going to hell
I can’t say my doubts out loud or God will condemn me
All of my sexual thoughts are sinful
I am a sinful piece of crap
God only loves me when I am doing good things
God is a man-made construct used to control people
We don’t know for sure if God is real or not. We have to choose to believe, which I do. But all the ways I see God working have logical explanations too.
I do choose to believe God is there and that He loves me and has a plan for me. But I still have a hard time with the details.
If there are so many religions in the world, how can Christianity be the only true one? If someone was born into a Hindu family, does that mean they are going to hell?
Was Jesus who He said He was, or did people writing the bible embellish the truth to spread their agenda? The Bible was written by people and people are flawed and selfish. So how can we possibly believe everything the Bible says to be fact?
What about homosexuality? I have friends who I really believe were created gay. That’s who they are. But the Bible says it’s a sin. What am I supposed to do with that?
Does God really look down on and condemn homosexuals after making them that way? Do gay people not deserve to be happy and have love in their life? Or are all the rules like that in the Bible written by people who wanted to set the rules. Maybe it says homosexuality is a sin because the dude who wrote that part was uncomfortable with gay people. There is no way to know for sure.
The problem is that people then take the Bible as law and use it to judge other people, to condemn and hate, to start wars and to make themselves feel superior.
That is a bunch of junk and I want no part of it.
I do know that I feel happier and more complete when I choose to see God working in my life. I have tried it the other way and it did not go so well. So I think the answer is to choose what you believe.
But just because you believe in God doesn’t mean you can never doubt again. It’s ok to have doubts and it’s important to think through them. If we just stuff them down, they become toxic. Say your doubts out loud. Talk to friends about them. And pray for God to help you find peace with them.
All I really want is truth. Isn’t that what we all want? But if we just choose to only see the one side of things we want to see and refuse to listen to anyone who disagrees, then we are not seeking truth. We are seeking validation for what our fears tell us to believe.
I want to live in truth and not in fear. I don’t want to run from my beliefs. I want to do the work, to have freedom to be honest about my feelings and to find peace with all this.
I want to be able to talk about my doubts and have real conversations. I want to be open to new ideas. I want to keep learning.
I want to have confidence in what I believe. I want to love myself and others right where we are today. I want to be a light in the world and a source of love and encouragement to others. And I want my God to want all those things too.
What do you think about all these questions? Do you have any doubts of your own? I would love to hear about them in the comments below!
Suggested Articles
People Need People: The Role Of Community
I had a friend in college who always used to say “No man is an island.” I mean, he said it all the time. We used to make fun of him because he said it so much.
But even back then, we knew he was right. We knew that if we had to go through our college years alone, we would be miserable. We would probably drop out of college and move in to our favorite cardboard box.
There was no way we could do life without each other.
And then we grew up. My friends moved away. I started to believe that I didn’t need people. And the next thing you know, I am a 500-pound alcoholic living a miserable, lonely life.
What happened?
What happened is I moved to that island. Maybe not physically, but I moved there in my mind. After getting hurt once or twice, I decided I didn’t like that too much. I decided I was going to live with as little human interaction as possible. I mean, people were the problem, right?
If I just keep people away, I can focus on me. I can do whatever I need to do to be happy. I won’t get distracted by other people’s agendas. I can just focus on myself. That is what I thought my solution was. But I was wrong.
It turns out people weren’t the problem. They were actually the solution.
All this life of isolation brought me was extreme misery, depression and loneliness. It seems so obvious now, but I really couldn’t understand why I was so sad. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to be happy.
I needed people. I needed people bad. And once I realized this, I started taking drastic actions. The first thing I did, and probably one of the best things I have ever done for myself, was I got a job at Applebee’s.
Now, this may not seem like the dream job, and for sure, it wasn’t, but what it was was a chance for me to meet people. Not only meet people, but bond with them.
If you have every worked in the service industry, you know it is hard work. And you are in the trenches with your fellow “Applebuddy’s” every day. There is a strong bond that is created with that.
And even though I quit that job years ago, I am still friends with a lot of those people to this day. That says a lot to me.
It says that I needed these people. And maybe they needed me too. We were all so hungry for connection and we found it at America’s favorite grill and bar.
If you are feeling isolated or depressed, I would challenge you to look at your community. Are you involved with others? Are you calling friends regularly? Are you going to neighborhood events? Are you talking to people at church after the service?
There are so many things we can do to bring people into our lives. I promise, your new friends are out there just waiting for you to say “hi.” That one simple word can change your life. It for sure changed mine.
And if all else fails, I know Applebee’s is always hiring.
Community
The new single from Chris Swan and Soul Motivation Records
Coming 7.1.19!
How To Find Your Self Worth
A big turning point in my life was when I asked myself:
“What if I just choose to believe in God? What if I choose to believe God is there and what if I just start to look for evidence of Him working in my life? What have I got to lose? I mean seriously, what’s the worst thing that would happen?”
I think I was scared of looking like a fool. Scared of people making fun of me. I felt like it was a waste of time to put energy into something that maybe didn’t exist. But the truth is, I was wasting my time trying to find another solution for God. I was wasting money paying for alcohol, food, girls, whatever it took to fill the void in my life. The void I felt was an absence of spiritual health. Whether you call Him God, the universe, or your higher power, I could feel that a big part of me was missing when I wasn’t connected to God. And trying to fill that void with other things was killing me. So the truth was, I couldn’t afford NOT to believe anymore.
Once I realized I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, I knew I had to make that change. I decided to believe and just have faith that God was there. And even more importantly, I decided to start looking for how He was working in my life. As soon as I chose to see it, it was abundantly obvious that He was working in my life.
I started a list of all the little “God things” that started happening. And as soon as I started seeing these things as God working in my life and not just coincidences, I quickly realized that God had been there all along. And even more, I realized how much I mattered! Because if almighty God is taking the time to work all kinds of miracles in my life, big and small, then He must love me a whole lot.
And if God loves me, who am I to not love myself?
How exciting it was to realize this! To know that God cares for me the way He does. God is providing all that I need. He is showing up in my life every day. It’s so amazing to see it! I know that I am supposed to be here and I know God has big plans for my life. That is huge. And I am so grateful that I can finally see that now! The evidence was there all along, all it took was me deciding to see it.
Why Am I Depressed?
I have struggled with depression my whole life. I have had some really great years and I’ve also had some really dark years. But mostly my life has been a day to day combination of both.
When I joined Overeaters Anonymous and started working the 12 steps, I thought “Finally, I found my solution. Now I’ll never be depressed ever again!” Just typing that now makes me realize how silly that thought was, but I so desperately wanted to be free from this sadness that I believed there was a simple solution. All I had to do was fix it and I’m good, right?!
Unfortunately, it is not that simple.
I have been in the program for a little over a year now. It’s been amazing. I have learned so much and have really grown too. Yet, these last few days I have found myself struggling with depression again.
Why is this still happening? I am doing the work. I thought I fixed this!
The truth is there is no “fixing” it. There are things I can do in my daily life to deal with it. And I do believe over time it will get better, but I don’t think it ever goes away. It’s a part of me.
But here is the good news. I don’t have to deal with it alone anymore. I have a sponsor I can talk this stuff through with. I have my fellows that I can hang out with. And most of all, I can turn my sadness over to God and He comforts me. I’ve heard people say that my whole life but I only recently started to understand what that truly meant.
It means that I know I am loved. Unconditionally. It means it’s ok to feel my emotions. It’s ok to feel depressed. I don’t have to fix it. I can sit in it and feel it. Experience it instead of running away from it. And I know I can handle it because God is with me. Always.
I can be depressed and know that my life has a lot of worth because I am a creation of God. I can be depressed and know that God still has a plan for my life. I can be depressed and still see the joy around me. I can be depressed and know that I won’t feel like this forever.
With God all of these things are possible. And He has shown me time and time again that he will not fail me. He will not abandon me.
And that means I’m going to be ok.
Once I realize that, I can deal with the depression a lot better. It’s different now than it was in those dark years a long time ago. The difference is God. And God is good.
I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately: “How do people do life without God?” I really don’t know. I know when I tried, it did not work. I know that I am grateful to have found God again and to have Him to turn to. I can’t imagine doing life any other way.
The Power Of Belief
“If I want to achieve then I gotta believe.”
There was a very specific, pivotal moment in my life. It wasn’t a wedding day or a graduation day, it was the day I decided to believe again. Not just believing in God, but believing in possibilities. Choosing hope over cynicism.
Somewhere along the path of life, I became extremely cynical. I think it happens to a lot of us.
When we are kids, the world is a magical place. Every day is an adventure full of wonder and joy. This is why kids never want to go to bed and can’t wait to get up in the morning. Their life is awesome and exciting.
And then we grow up. We get hurt a few times. And it all starts to change.
Fast forward a few years and we are miserable. We see the world as a dark, depressing place. We are trapped in a routine that never changes. There is nothing new to explore. No more adventures. No more excitement. Just work, bills and taxes.
Maybe we get out and do something fun on the weekend, but it’s short-lived and we are right back to our mundane existence on Monday.
This is when bitterness sets in. What happened to our life? We used to have dreams and goals. When did it all change? Why do we all of the sudden dread everything we have to do?
And that’s when it happens. That’s the day you become a cynic.
After crossing over to the dark side, there is no more hope. There is no more wonder. And any beliefs you had about the possibilities in your life, go right out the window. We start looking at the world as a curse instead of a blessing.
We make fun of people who look happy. We tell ourselves that people who have the kind of life we want just got lucky and we are not meant to have that kind of life. Nope. We are meant to be fat. Broke. Lonely. And depressed. That’s just the way it is for people like us.
What if you just decided to change that way of thinking? Right now. Right here.
What if you chose to believe? What if it is really true that our lives are a manifestation of our thoughts and if you changed your thoughts you could change your life? What is the worse thing that would happen if you just decided that you were going to believe in life again like you did when you were a kid?
That was the pivotal moment in my life. The day everything changed for me was the day I asked myself those exact questions. And I chose to go for it.
I decided to believe again.
Once I made that decision, I also had to keep my eyes and heart open to see the opportunities in my life. I had to fight off cynicism constantly and look for the good stuff. I had to stop making excuses and stop making fun of happy people. I had to try. I had to get up and do something. But if there was real hope on the other side, it would be totally worth it.
I can tell you now that there is and it was.
I started seeing doors opening. I started seeing different people coming into my life. I started having successes in ways I never thought possible.
Was life perfect and easy from then on? Of course not. But something was different. Things were actually happening. And the best part of it all was I started to get excited again. I started to have moments where I felt like a little kid. I had dreams and I believed that they were possible. I had a reason to get up in the morning.
I was finally living the life I always wanted. All I had to do was choose it.
Life sucks sometimes. There are plenty of people who will tell you that. And it’s true. But I’m here to tell you that there is a whole other side to life that is just waiting for you. You are meant to be happy. You are meant to be successful Your “luck” is just waiting for you to find it. I promise it’s there.
All you have to do is choose to believe.
Believe
The new single from Chris Swan and Soul Motivation Records
Coming 5.1.19!
AA Without God?
When I joined OA, the whole “God thing” was a big hang up for me. It kept me from going to AA meetings when I quit drinking years before. I didn’t want someone to tell me to pray more and read the Bible and I’ll be fine. I needed real life solutions to my problems.
The problem with that is it made me bitter and closed off. I wasn’t open to any spiritual discussion because I was so determined to say that a lack of God wasn’t my problem. I was determined to prove I was right. When we are bitter and closed off, we can’t heal. And what I needed more than anything was healing.
Being able to say I was powerless and that there has to be some bigger power at work allowed me to open up and see those real world solutions I had been searching for my whole life. They were always there. All around me. I just couldn’t see them because I had closed my eyes and refused to believe they were there.
I know the whole “God thing” is a big hang up for a lot of people in recovery. It keeps a lot of people away. We cling to our belief of non-belief scared that someone will take it away from us and we will be left with nothing to hold on to. That is a scary thought. But, the truth is, by holding on so tightly to a belief of non-belief, we are missing the whole point.
Don’t bring your personal development and spiritual health to a halt out of fear and selfishness. Open your mind and your heart and I promise you will find the answers you are looking for.
What Is Success In Life?
I have been struggling lately a lot with how I define success. I find myself getting caught up in comparing myself to others. I feel envious whenever I see someone who has more money than I do or has more fans than I do.
I get jealous. But then I also get down on myself. I feel like a failure because I am not measuring up to the person that has a million followers on Instagram. I set these impossible standards for myself and if I don’t reach them, then I have failed. And therefore by definition, I am not succeeding at life.
Just thinking through this and writing it down already shines a light on what is wrong with this thinking. But I still can’t help it sometimes. I feel like if I am not the best, then I am not successful. And that is a recipe for disaster because there will always be someone with more money and more Instagram followers.
That is a game I can never win.
So what does true success look like? Success doesn’t come from others. My success does not depend upon approval from anyone. I don’t have to compare myself to other people. None of that matters.
The only thing that matters is my health - physical, emotional, and spiritual.
With that in mind, I would define success as spiritual progression. Doing a little better today than yesterday is success. Learning to love and accept myself more is success. Spending more time serving others is success.
The truth is I am already successful because I am showing up every day. I am working on myself, sticking to my program and trusting God to lead the way. I am learning more about myself and others each day.
That is success.
I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be better than anyone else. I only have to be me. I am perfect the way I am because God created me this way. I have the exact amount of Instagram followers I am supposed to have right now. I have all the money that I need and I have an amazing perfect number of fans who love what I do. Everything is as it is supposed to be right now. And I will continue to grow each day.
The truth is I am who God wants me to be today and if that's not success, then I don’t know what is.