Can you write a good blog post in 40 minutes?
I don’t know. Let’s see.
Why is it 2:22 pm on my day off and I am still sitting at my computer working? I have a coaching call in 38 minutes. I was supposed to spend the morning relaxing but here I am. Still working.
Part of it is I love my work. It’s true, I do. But part of it is being afraid to stop. What happens when I stop? How do I relax without a drink, a cigarette or a pizza?
I don’t know.
I have been in recovery for about a year and a half now and I still struggle with this. Every day. I don’t know how to relax yet. For years and years, I used food to relax. And then when I was old enough, I started using alcohol to relax. And then I used both. I don’t think I have ever relaxed without a substance involved.
So what do you do when you take all the substances away?
You work all the time. You never relax. At least, that is what I have been doing. Work just becomes the new addiction, because I am using it to avoid my feelings. If I relax then I have to feel things. But I have been doing the work every day. Why am I still running from feelings? Maybe it’s not one of the big feelings? Maybe it’s just the dreaded…
Boredom!
It may just be boredom, but I don’t want to be bored. I hate being bored.
Does anyone like being bored?
I think often in recovery we feel like we were just running from the big emotions - anger, fear, loneliness. But we forget that sometimes we were just running from boredom and that one is harder to get our heads around. Is it ok to be bored? Of course, it is, but it sucks. And us addicts don’t’ know how to deal with it.
I keep hoping that tomorrow I will magically be able to deal with being bored, but tomorrow still hasn’t come. I’m starting to think this never changes. Are you telling me that “normal” people are just ok with being bored? How is that possible? What do you do with the boredom?
Before I drive myself completely crazy with all the questions, I have to pause and breathe…
Ok, that’s a little better. So what is the answer here? What is the solution to boredom while being sober?
The real answer is I don’t think there is an answer. And that is exactly why I can’t do life on my own anymore. I can’t deal with there not being an answer. But you know you can? God can. And that is why I have to trust Him.
Self-will will ruin me. Self-will will tell me to fix the boredom. But God will tell me to relax. It’s going to be ok. Just sit there. Be quiet and be bored. You are going to survive.
I don’t like it, but I also don’t like hangovers. I don’t like weighing 505 pounds and feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. I don’t like feeling hopeless. So I’m going to trust God on this one because my answers never worked for me in the past.
I am going to let myself feel the boredom, just like I have learned to feel the anger and fear. I’m going to just sit here and be bored. I’ll let you know if I survive.
My time is up…
