Last night I watched a movie that I think has changed my life.
This movie is truly brilliant. It was made in a way that I could actually feel the emotions of the actor like they were my own. I really love movies, but I seldom have this kind of deep emotional experience. This time it was real. It was me. It was my life.
The name of the movie was “Brittany Runs a Marathon.” Have you seen it yet? It’s on Amazon Prime. I’ll be honest, this is not the kind of movie I would normally watch. It kind of looked like a “girlie” movie, which is not really my thing. Because you know. I’m a dude and stuff.
But also it’s the kind of movie that I know if I let down my cynical guard, it is going to wreck me emotionally. I’m not always up for a two-hour cry fest so I tend to avoid these kinds of movies. But yesterday, I was ready.
So I hit play.
The movie is about a girl in her late twenties who is lonely, broke and fat. She spends all of her time eating and drinking with her friends. Everyone thinks of her as the funny girl because she uses humor as a way to deflect her shame. She is caught in a terrible cycle of self-loathing and loneliness, surrounds herself with people who enable her to continue and is convinced she doesn’t need anyone’s help.
A neighbor invites her to join a running club with her. Reluctantly she starts to face all the awkwardness of a fat person going on their first couple of runs. She slowly begins to lose weight and starts to see other possibilities in her life. She decides to run a marathon with her new running buddies. They go all in and start training.
But of course, life is never that simple or easy. Her old friends try to sabotage her success. She has to face the truth about how social media is making her feel about herself. And she has to face down her biggest demon which is herself.
The biggest thing she has to learn is to let people in. She has to learn that it’s ok to let people help her. At this point in the movie, I was balling like a little school girl. This is probably one of the things I have struggled with the most in my life.
I don’t want to spoil any of the movie for you, so I will let you go watch the rest of it yourself. But let’s just say Brittany goes through a lot of hurt, learns a lot of hard things about herself, and in the end finds a way to be happy.
This is the story of my life.
My nickname used to be “Luppy” (pronounced “loopy”). This was a name I wore with pride. It was like my alter ego, my Slim Shady if you will. As Luppy, I could get ridiculously drunk, say awful things to people and it was funny. I was “the funny guy.” I was the crazy drunk guy. I was loopy.
The problem with having that kind of a persona is that you start to feel like you have to always live up to it. You also start to feel like you ARE that persona. Pretty soon it is not a part you are playing, you become that person.
I became the crazy, drunk guy. I was the self-deprecating funny guy who everybody loved to laugh at but nobody took seriously. In the end, I became this whole other person I never wanted to be. I was no longer Chris Swan. I was Luppy.
Luppy was broke. Fat. Depressed. Lonely. And determined to prove that he had all the answers. He didn’t need anyone’s help. He could figure this all out on his own.
At 505 pounds, Luppy was not doing a very good job of it. The only thing he was doing a good job of was killing himself.
When I quit drinking, I quit referring to myself as Luppy. I basically “changed my name” back to my birth name. I started introducing myself as Chris. It was weird at first because I had been Luppy for so long. But it was clear I wasn’t that person anymore. Even more importantly, I didn’t WANT to be that person anymore. It was time for a change.
It’s not funny anymore.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because this movie really reminded me of something. We all take on personas. We let our addictions as well our “friends” define us. Once that definition is set, we proceed to live up to it. We don’t see any other way to live. And it may seem funny to other people but it is devastating to those who are living it out.
You don’t have to be your persona. You know, deep down, who you really are. If you are not living up to that true identity, then you have to make a change. You have to or it will kill you. It will take you out.
You don’t have to be the life of the party. You don’t have to be the person that everyone wants you to be. You only have to be who God made you to be. I promise you this. If you choose your true identity, the peace and happiness you crave will come your way.
Recovery doesn’t instantly fix everything. I have to show up every day and do the work. But my life is very different now as Chris Swan. I have hope again. I have the desire to pursue big things again. I truly believe in life again. Man, I missed that so much.
Thank you Brittany.
I’m very thankful for Brittany’s story and that she came into my life on a cold Monday night. Watching her live out her story gave me hope and strength to keep living out mine. And maybe my story can help someone keep living out theirs.
There is so much power in relating to another human being. I want you to know that you are not alone. They are making movies about us. That means there are people who want to watch those movies because they can relate to it. Do you get that? We are all in this together. Side by side. Shoulder to shoulder.
You really need to watch the movie. If you are at all like me, you will see a lot of yourself in it. Matter of fact, the only thing about this movie that is not exactly like my life is that I have NOT run a marathon…
Yet.