Luppy Runs a Marathon

Last night I watched a movie that I think has changed my life.

This movie is truly brilliant. It was made in a way that I could actually feel the emotions of the actor like they were my own. I really love movies, but I seldom have this kind of deep emotional experience. This time it was real. It was me. It was my life.

The name of the movie was “Brittany Runs a Marathon.” Have you seen it yet? It’s on Amazon Prime. I’ll be honest, this is not the kind of movie I would normally watch. It kind of looked like a “girlie” movie, which is not really my thing. Because you know. I’m a dude and stuff.

But also it’s the kind of movie that I know if I let down my cynical guard, it is going to wreck me emotionally. I’m not always up for a two-hour cry fest so I tend to avoid these kinds of movies. But yesterday, I was ready.

So I hit play.

The movie is about a girl in her late twenties who is lonely, broke and fat. She spends all of her time eating and drinking with her friends. Everyone thinks of her as the funny girl because she uses humor as a way to deflect her shame. She is caught in a terrible cycle of self-loathing and loneliness, surrounds herself with people who enable her to continue and is convinced she doesn’t need anyone’s help.

A neighbor invites her to join a running club with her. Reluctantly she starts to face all the awkwardness of a fat person going on their first couple of runs. She slowly begins to lose weight and starts to see other possibilities in her life. She decides to run a marathon with her new running buddies. They go all in and start training.

But of course, life is never that simple or easy. Her old friends try to sabotage her success. She has to face the truth about how social media is making her feel about herself. And she has to face down her biggest demon which is herself.

The biggest thing she has to learn is to let people in. She has to learn that it’s ok to let people help her. At this point in the movie, I was balling like a little school girl. This is probably one of the things I have struggled with the most in my life.

I don’t want to spoil any of the movie for you, so I will let you go watch the rest of it yourself. But let’s just say Brittany goes through a lot of hurt, learns a lot of hard things about herself, and in the end finds a way to be happy.

This is the story of my life.

My nickname used to be “Luppy” (pronounced “loopy”). This was a name I wore with pride. It was like my alter ego, my Slim Shady if you will. As Luppy, I could get ridiculously drunk, say awful things to people and it was funny. I was “the funny guy.” I was the crazy drunk guy. I was loopy.

The problem with having that kind of a persona is that you start to feel like you have to always live up to it. You also start to feel like you ARE that persona. Pretty soon it is not a part you are playing, you become that person.

I became the crazy, drunk guy. I was the self-deprecating funny guy who everybody loved to laugh at but nobody took seriously. In the end, I became this whole other person I never wanted to be. I was no longer Chris Swan. I was Luppy.

Luppy was broke. Fat. Depressed. Lonely. And determined to prove that he had all the answers. He didn’t need anyone’s help. He could figure this all out on his own.

At 505 pounds, Luppy was not doing a very good job of it. The only thing he was doing a good job of was killing himself.

When I quit drinking, I quit referring to myself as Luppy. I basically “changed my name” back to my birth name. I started introducing myself as Chris. It was weird at first because I had been Luppy for so long. But it was clear I wasn’t that person anymore. Even more importantly, I didn’t WANT to be that person anymore. It was time for a change.

It’s not funny anymore.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because this movie really reminded me of something. We all take on personas. We let our addictions as well our “friends” define us. Once that definition is set, we proceed to live up to it. We don’t see any other way to live. And it may seem funny to other people but it is devastating to those who are living it out.

You don’t have to be your persona. You know, deep down, who you really are. If you are not living up to that true identity, then you have to make a change. You have to or it will kill you. It will take you out.

You don’t have to be the life of the party. You don’t have to be the person that everyone wants you to be. You only have to be who God made you to be. I promise you this. If you choose your true identity, the peace and happiness you crave will come your way.

Recovery doesn’t instantly fix everything. I have to show up every day and do the work. But my life is very different now as Chris Swan. I have hope again. I have the desire to pursue big things again. I truly believe in life again. Man, I missed that so much.

Thank you Brittany.

I’m very thankful for Brittany’s story and that she came into my life on a cold Monday night. Watching her live out her story gave me hope and strength to keep living out mine. And maybe my story can help someone keep living out theirs.

There is so much power in relating to another human being. I want you to know that you are not alone. They are making movies about us. That means there are people who want to watch those movies because they can relate to it. Do you get that? We are all in this together. Side by side. Shoulder to shoulder.

You really need to watch the movie. If you are at all like me, you will see a lot of yourself in it. Matter of fact, the only thing about this movie that is not exactly like my life is that I have NOT run a marathon…

Yet.

Finding My Own Beliefs

Accepting that there is a higher power than just ourselves is a big hurdle for a lot of people in recovery and I was no exception.

My Belief System

I grew up in a strict Christian home. We went to church every Sunday and participated in all the extra stuff like Wednesday night church, youth group and youth choir. I remember never wanting to go to church but I didn’t have much of a choice.

I also didn’t have much of choice when it came to what I believed. I was instructed to believe the same things my parents did. There was no room for doubt. I was meant to just accept it all.

The problem was with being in such a strict home, I wanted to rebel. And that meant partying, drugs and sneaking out a lot - typical teenage stuff. But then it also meant rebelling against my parents’ beliefs.

It was hard for me to just accept their version of God because it was theirs and not mine.

And although it made sense to me, it took me a long time to get over it and find my way back to God. I had to spend some time on the other side of the fence to truly realize how good it is on this side.

How To Change Your Beliefs

I had to go out on my own and question everything. I couldn’t just believe what I was told to believe. I had to experience God, or the lack thereof, myself. So that is what I did.

My God became drinking and eating. There was nothing else for me to hold onto. And all that did was lead me down a path of self-destruction. I ended up weighing 505 pounds and feeling like I was about to die at any moment from a heart attack. It also led to severe depression and anxiety. My existence seemed pretty pointless and I felt suicidal for a lot of years.

What changed it all was getting to a place with my drinking and eating where I HAD to change. I was physically in so much misery that I couldn’t take it anymore. Rock bottom. I was going to change or I was going to die. And the truth was, I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to be free.

That is when I joined Overeaters Anonymous and started learning about the 12 steps of recovery. The genius of the 12 steps is that it brings you back to a relationship with God, one step at a time. If I could accept I was powerless over my addictions (Step One), then I could start to see that there is another power at work (Step Two). And here is the best part - I could define my “higher power” however I wanted to! That meant I got to choose what I believed. No one could tell me what to believe.

Choosing what to believe was the key that changed my whole life.

Now I was willing to look for God. I made a decision to look for him working in my life. And the minute I did that, I started seeing Him everywhere. He was working in my life in crazy ways. He always had been, I just never chose to see it before.

I was able to find my way back to God and this time it was MY God. I was able to choose to believe and to define who God was to me. I could take ownership of my beliefs which allowed me truly internalize them as truth.

It has been quite a journey and it took a while to redefine what I believe. The funny part is I still believe all the same things I was told to believe when I was a kid, but this time it was MY CHOICE and not my parents’. And THAT has made all the difference.

One Day At A Time

Sometimes I get extremely overwhelmed thinking about the future, especially when it comes to staying sober and abstinent. I still struggle with the idea that I will never get to drink or eat certain foods again. It seems like an impossible task. It also seems incredibly unfair.

I can keep going down that rabbit hole of a thought process and land on it’s not healthy to never enjoy certain foods again. And believe me, you can find plenty of people who would agree with that. They would say cutting things out completely is too drastic and not sustainable. What you need to do is learn moderation?

That is when I start to laugh because I have tried moderation time and time again. It may work for some people, but it does not work for me. As a matter of fact, moderation makes things worse for me because it keeps the cravings alive. Every time I have tried to indulge a little here and there, I would end up binging in no time.

I know abstinence is my ticket to freedom. But I don’t have to spend my time thinking about how I will never get to drink or eat certain foods again. All I have to do is stay sober and abstinent today. 24 hours. I know that my day today and my day tomorrow are going to be a million times better if I stay sober and abstinent today.

So I’m going to do that.

Even more, I am excited to do it because I have finally found a way to live the life I have always wanted. I have real purpose in my life. I get up every day with a drive and a focus that I never had when I was drinking or in the food. I sleep better and I wake up every morning with energy and vigor that I never had. I have so much love in my life, it’s ridiculous. And the truth is, I always had it, but now I am allowing myself to see it and feel it. And it feels amazing!

I am choosing to work my program today because it is working. I don’t have to worry about the future. I don’t have to say that I’m never going to drink again or I’m never going to eat ice cream again. I’m not concerned with a day that hasn’t even happened yet. My only concern is this day and what I need to do to make it great.

And when I lay my head down on that pillow tonight, I will have peace knowing that I lived another day in victory. I was able to live the day of my dreams because I was sober and abstinent. I know I can do this today and that is all I need.

One Is Never Enough

I am not like other people. I can’t do some of the things that other people can do. This is just a fact that I need to accept.

I can’t have one drink because one is never enough for me. I could never understand how people did that. If someone asked me to go “have a drink,” to me that meant we are going to get hammered! I would be 5 in and notice others just sipping on their first.

What is wrong with these people? Let’s do this!

Next thing you know I’m ordering shots for everyone to get them “caught up.” I thought I was the normal one. But it turns out I was wrong. Normal people like to have a drink, chat a little and then go home to their normal life. I have never been able to do that. I have never wanted to.

I can’t have an occasional treat, like ice cream or cake, because one treat leads to twenty. As soon as I get a taste, the sugar takes over and my cravings kick in. I may just have the one in front of present company, but then when I’m alone later, I am at the grocery story buying a quart of ice cream with hot fudge. I then proceed to spend the rest of my evening eating as much as I can until I get sick. You would think, then, that I had learned my lesson?

But no.

By the next day, I would be at it again. More ice cream. More hot fudge. More shame and guilt. I don’t understand how people can just have a piece of cake at a party and then be good for a while. That was never me. One was never enough. One was just a tease.

It may seem unfair at first that I am not normal. I have had my days of feeling sorry for myself. But the truth is it is a blessing to understand this about myself and to accept it because now I can stop trying to be like other people. Now I can stop getting mad at myself for not being able to “control myself” like other people seem to be able to do. I can stop beating myself up and focus on what I CAN do.

I get to eat delicious food every day that makes me feel great. I get to be free from the cycle of addiction and the mental obsession that takes over. I get to be free from cravings and I get to enjoy being clear headed and sober.

This life is awesome and although I may not be like other people, I am not alone. There is an army of us marching together. A “distinct entity” walking shoulder to shoulder and we are exactly the people we are supposed to be.

The Isolation Of Addiction

For me, drinking always starts as a social thing but then ends as an isolation tool. Drinking in high school was always about being at the party, trying to hook up with some girl. It was about friends and rebelling against our parents. It was fun and exciting.

But at the end of my drinking career, it became about getting away from people and being alone. That way I could drink as much as I wanted and as long as I wanted without judgement. I also didn’t have to pretend that I cared about the people around me because when I was getting drunk, it was all about me. It was purely for my pleasure and had nothing to do with the people around me. They just got in the way.

Even when I was around others, I couldn’t wait to be alone. I could care less about the party that use to be the best part. That’s when I knew something had changed. All I wanted to do was be alone with my drink and my food. Pretty soon the excitement was gone and it wasn’t fun anymore.

That is the progressiveness of my illness of addiction. It always starts out fun and ends up in misery. I can’t just have a few drinks to be social. I have to take it to the extreme. And the extreme is me, alone in a room, drinking more and more just trying to keep the party going a little longer. I could never drink enough. I could never eat enough. In the end, I was still sad and alone. All the drink and food did was add a hangover to the mess.

A life of drinking and overeating just isn’t a real answer. It isn’t sustainable. It may start out as fun, but it’s a lie. It may feel like a social lubricant at first, but for people like me, it always turns into a way to isolate. It promises comfort and joy, but it really brings sadness and pain.

I know now that I like to be alone. I get recharged by spending time on my own. And that’s ok. But I need to remember that I need people too. I am not meant to be isolated from the world. And I don’t want to be anymore because all that led to was extreme loneliness and sadness.

So I’m going to choose people over addiction today. I’ll see how that goes. And I have a feeling I will want to choose people again tomorrow.

Things Addicts Say To Justify...

Whatever your drug of choice is, we all have used the same excuses to justify using again.

To celebrate my 3 year anniversary of being sober, I thought it would be fun to look back at some of the excuses I used to use to justify having that first drink. There are many times I would go 6-8 months without drinking and then start thinking some of the following things. And once I gave in and had that first drink, it was all over. The addiction cycle began all over again and I was in hell.

Here are a list of some of my excuses. Do any of these sound familiar?

• I deserve this. I’ve gone so long now without a drink. I deserve a reward.

• Everyone else gets to drink. Why can’t I?

• There’s no way I’m never going to drink again so I might as well just do it.

• I need to just drink less this time.

• I can control it now. I just needed a break.

• I’ll just drink on gigs.

• I’ll just drink at home.

• I’ll just drink 1-2 times a week.

• I want to get drunk.

• It’s fun to get buzzed.

• I never do anything fun anymore. I deserve to have fun.

• Getting drunk sounds fun

• My life sucks. I just want to drink.

• Drinking will make me feel better.

• It will be different this time.

• I’ll just have one day of drinking and then get back to work on being sober and healthy.

• I want to be part of the party.

• It’s unfair that I don’t get to drink.

• I miss the old days.

• I think it’s time for a drink.

• I’ve been sober long enough to prove that I don’t have a problem.

Every time I had one of these thoughts and then gave in, I would be back into the misery of addiction in days or weeks tops. These were all lies and excuses that led me back to that hell. If you find yourself saying these things to yourself, know that you are not alone. We all have these thoughts. But I have given in enough to know that they lead to an awful life.

All these thoughts are just our disease trying to bring us back. They are lies. And we don’t live in lies anymore. We live in truth. The truth is we deserve to be free. And freedom comes from letting those thoughts go and celebrating another day of sobriety.

Happy sobriety day to anyone who has a day, a week, a year or a decade sober!

Addiction Panic

I am an alcoholic and a food addict. I also have an anxiety disorder. My days of addiction were filled with panic attacks. I use to get them almost daily. Fear would grip my entire body. I felt like I was dying or I was going to have a seizure.

I would be so scared for my life in these moments and knew I had to quit drinking and overeating. I knew my bad habits were playing a big role in triggering these panic attacks. But then, when I would consider walking away from my addictions, the panic of not having my only comforts would kick in. It was a catch 22. Damned if I did. Damned if I didn’t.

Can I survive a life of continuing to get my fixes every day? But then, how would I survive without them?

Talk about insanity. I was stuck in the middle of these two choices for years and years. Both with food and alcohol. I remember being in a constant panic. If I didn’t get my fix, how would I survive? What would I have to look forward to every day? And this want became a real need. I needed the food and alcohol to survive and have any joy at all.

I felt trapped and unable to make a move. And this would cause endless bouts of depression and anxiety. It was a scary way to live my life.

Thank God He pulled me out when He did. He showed me it was possible to have joy without my indulgences. Matter of fact, the joy I experience now is real and lasting. And best of all, it has no side effects. I don’t have to suffer through days of hangovers just to get a few hours of fun in my life. I don’t have to spend my days feeling bloated and winded just so I could have a few hours of fun with food.

But the best part is the panic attacks are pretty much gone. I still may have a moment of panic here and there, but I now know how to deal with it. I can call on God to give me strength. I can reach out to my fellows for encouragement. I am not alone. And I am not relying on a deadly substance to get me through the day. The constant panic has been replaced by serenity and freedom.

I am finally free from this insanity and panic. And this freedom came from working the 12 steps of OA. I never want to go back to that life. And I can say honestly today that I will do whatever it takes to stay on this path of recovery and freedom from the panic that used to rule my life.

How To Make The Right Choice

We have a choice to make and we must make it every day.

Are we going to fight or give up?

Both are very real options and when we get up every day, we have to choose which one it’s going to be. And to not choose is in itself a decision to give up. It’s crucial that we make this decision first thing every morning. It will be the difference between success and failure in our lives.

Abstinence and sobriety take work. It takes an intentional attitude and an actual plan that we follow. So if we choose to fight, then we need to follow through by making a plan for our day and then following it.

The power of planning cannot be overstated. It doesn’t need to be an overly detailed plan, either. We just need to plan the following five things:

1. What are we going to eat?

2. When are we going to eat?

3. How are we going to serve?

4. What are we going to do to live out our true purpose in life?

5. What are we going to do if temptation strikes?

If we have a plan that includes these five things, then we are going to win the fight that day. And at the end of the day, we can lay our heads down in victory, ready to get up the next day and make the choice to do it again.

And if one day, the fight seems like to much to bare, it’s ok. We don’t have to win every battle, we just need to keep showing up and choosing to fight. That’s how we will win the war. Success is nothing but a series of battles won, one day at a time. If we choose to fight every day, then we are guaranteed to have the successful life we have always dreamed of.

A Recovery Discussion: My Interview On The Way Out Podcast

Recently, I had the chance to be on The Way Out Podcast to talk about recovery and my new album, Welcome To The Fellowship. This podcast is a great resource for those of us going through recovery. When you need some encouragement or maybe you need some questions answered, The Way Out is a great place to go.

I hope you get some encouragement from this interview. Just click play below to take a listen.

powered by podcast garden

What are the benefits of honesty?

“Honesty is truth and that truth shall set us free.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book Pg. 218

What a great quote from the Big Book. Honesty has been a big part of my recovery. Honesty towards others, sure, but mainly honesty with myself. It’s been one of the biggest challenges and also one of the biggest gifts.

To start getting better, I had to admit I was powerless. I had to accept that I had a problem and I needed help. I had to stop lying to myself saying “It’s not that bad” or “I’ll change someday.” The truth was I was dying. And once I could admit that honestly, I was finally willing and able to do what I needed to do to live.

And now every day I have to practice honesty to stay sober from alcohol and abstinent from compulsive overeating. I have to face the consequences of my actions, truthfully.

If I choose to drink again, I have to be honest with myself about what that would feel like. It would be fun for a few minutes or hours, but then it would be hell for days. I have to stop romanticizing my days of drinking and look at them for what they were - an insane cycle of misery and depression. That’s the truth, not this fuzzy memory I keep coming back to where those were the “best days of my life.” I was not living the dream. I was living the nightmare when I was drinking and by being honest with myself about that, I can push the alcohol away for another day.

When it comes to the food, I have to weigh and measure my food honestly, not trying to sneak in a little extra here and there. I have to report to my sponsor any changes I need to make in my food plan throughout the day. And I need to share my story with others - openly and honestly. This is the only way I can stay on a healthy path and it’s important to encourage others in their journey.

When you live a life of lies, you have to work really hard to keep them all straight and to try to make yourself believe them. It’s so much work and, honestly, it’s really exhausting. I don’t ever want to go back to that “house of cards” life. When you choose honesty, all that work goes away and you are free.

I’ve tried it both ways and I can say honestly that honesty has been the better path by far.

Video: Welcome To The Fellowship CD Release Party!

If you missed my CD release party for Welcome to the Fellowship, fear not. I had some great friends there who shot some video and I thought it would be cool to share it with you. Click play below to check out the videos.

P.S. If you haven’t got your copy of Welcome to the Fellowship yet, what are you waiting for? Get it here ==> BUY NOW <==

The Substitute

For years when I was drinking and overeating, my biggest fear about quitting was “What will I do with the time? What will I have left to make me happy?” I always came up short, unable to come up with something. I was so scared my life would be empty and boring without my addictions.

WOULD I GO INSANE WITHOUT MY COMFORTS?

When I quit drinking, food became my substitute. Instead of alcohol, I just doubled up on food. And there was some comfort in knowing that I had a back up vice to turn to. At least I had one comfort left.

BUT THE FOOD WAS KILLING ME.

Ironic how the substance that is supposed to give us life was actually taking mine. And all because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to find happiness without it. I had to let my overeating go but how could I possibly find any joy in life without it? With food being my final vice, what would I substitute this addiction with?

Then came OA. And I discovered a permanent substitute for all my addictions. One that really worked and brought joy into my life. Real joy. Joy that would last longer than a drinking binge or a 2 hour meal. One that didn’t include hangovers, guilt or shame. It was the answer I had been seeking for all these years.

THE SUBSTITUTE WAS THE FELLOWSHIP OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS I FOUND IN OA.

I finally found my people in the rooms of OA. We are the same in so many ways. Finally I am not alone. We are all in this together. I am surrounded by an army of people who get it. And I can’t overstate how much comfort I find it that. For years, I tried to overcome my addictions alone. It felt overwhelming and impossible.

But there is strength in numbers. I have meetings I can go to so I can stay connected to people who care. I have people to call when I am having a hard time. I get to serve my fellows by picking up the phone and encouraging them when they need it. There is also a lot of hope in hearing another’s story of struggle. And also hearing the stories of those who have overcome their addictions.

IF THEY CAN DO IT, SO CAN I.

I am choosing community and connection over isolation and addiction. There is so much more joy on this side. The fellowship brings true joy and peace that I never was able to find in alcohol or food.

I finally found the substitute I have been searching for my whole life. This is what true happiness feels like.

If you can relate to this, I would highly encourage you to check out AA or OA, depending on your drug of choice. The fellowship is waiting with open arms. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.

The Promises In A.A.

Sometimes we feel lost. We feel unsure of our future. And I’ve found in my recovery from alcoholism and food addiction, these feelings creep up more than ever before. There are some days that I feel on top of the world. Those days are a lot of fun. And it’s important to enjoy them. But there are also a lot of hard days where I miss the comfort I use to experience from my old vices. Sometimes I feel completely empty with no substitute for these substances. I feel like I’m all alone. I feel like it’s unfair that I don’t get to enjoy the things that other people seem to be able to.

After I wallow in my pity party for a few moments, I pull myself out by remembering how miserable my life use to be when I was using. It’s so easy to forget that and to just over romanticize the good ol’ days. But the old days were not all good days. They were mostly awful so I have to remind myself of that fact.

The next thing I can do, is look to the promises of the Big Book of AA. These are examples what of others have experienced from going through recovery and just knowing that these await me is more than enough to pull me out of my pity party. On days that are really hard, I can hold onto these promises. You can find all of them on pages 83-84 of the Big Book. But here is a summary of some of my favorites.

The Big Book promises us that we will know a new freedom and peace that we have never felt before. We will not regret the past. We will see how our experiences can benefit others. The feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. Self-seeking will slip away. Our outlook on life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will know how to handle hard situations. We will realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.

What amazing promises these are. They reassure me that I am truly living the life I was meant to live. These promises are the things I have been searching for my whole life. I am so thankful to finally be on the path to achieve them.

If you are having a hard day, I would challenge you to pick up a Big Book and read through the promises. There is also a great PDF with a list of the promises you can find by clicking here. There is always hope. There is always a better day coming. And knowing that other’s have experienced this fact, is often just enough inspiration to get me through one more day.

What is your favorite promise in the Big Book? Leave me a comment and let me know how it has changed your life.

The Benefits of Gratitude

One of the biggest keys to success in recovery is gratitude. I don’t know why, but my default setting is negativity, cynicism and bitterness. I spent years being a bitter pessimistic person. It’s so weird that this is also the time in my life where I was the most depressed?!

I don’t know why the negativity comes so easy. It’s like there is comfort in complaining. I think cynicism is just a way to let myself off the hook and to not really try for anything. Saying things like “I’m just meant to be fat. It’s impossible to lose weight.” let me feel like I didn’t have to try.

But humans are designed to try and try again. We need a purpose and a goal to strive for. If we are not striving for something, we feel incomplete. So that’s how I felt. Bitter, lonely and incomplete. I was miserable.

Now I choose to focus on gratitude every day. It’s something I have to consciously choose to see and practice. But when I do, I see a whole new world. I see all the love and opportunity that surrounds me. It’s always been there, I just couldn’t see it before.

Gratitude has made all the difference in my life so I am going to keep choosing it every day. I would encourage you to give it a try as well. It may just be the change you are looking for.

My Recovery Story

I know hearing other people's stories has been a huge inspiration in my recovery. So I thought I'd share mine. Hope you find some hope in it today.

The Making Of Welcome to the Fellowship

Here’s a behind the scenes look at the making of Chris Swan’s sophomore release from Soul Motivation Records - Welcome to the Fellowship!

Just hit play below to take a look.

How To Be Perfect

"I always thought that I was supposed to try to be perfect."

I am a perfectionist. Always have been since I was a little kid. Almost to the point of being obsessive about some things. I am very grateful that God made me this way because it drives me to work hard and to strive to be better. But it has also brought its challenges.

My goal has always been perfection. I don’t think I really realized that in my conscious mind for a long time, but in my subconscious mind that has always been what I was trying to achieve. And the reason is this:

If I’m perfect, then no one can hurt me.

If I have no flaws and I am superior at everything I do, then no one can say anything negative about me. Even better, if they do, I’ll know they are crazy because I’m perfect. I have no flaws. My pursuit of perfectionism was my defense mechanism. I know this is true because even to this day if someone says something bad about me or I feel inferior somehow, I get a drive in the pit of my stomach to go be the best at something. That’s when I want to practice the most, or write songs or study something. Because I want to be able to prove to them that I am amazing. So I go to work mumbling under my breath “I’ll show them!”

The real result of this mindset has been constant failure and a very deep, dark depression. I could never live up to my expectations of myself, therefore, I was always failing. Instead of being the best at something, I was a loser at everything. I began to hate myself because of this. And it got worse and worse as I got older. Until one day I looked in the mirror and I was a 500+ pound alcoholic.

I was frustrated and sad constantly. I could never accept love from other people because I didn’t love myself. I was lonely. Never good at long term relationships. I was finding comfort in food and alcohol. Like A LOT of food and alcohol! And I was barely hanging on to life. On the outside I seemed cool, laid back and fun. But on the inside I was steaming mad at myself, stressed out and angry.

Is this what being perfect is all about?

I finally had to accept the fact that I will never be perfect. Ever. It is hard for me to even type that sentence right now. But I finally know that it’s true. And I know it has been a big source of pain in my life. I have to let it go.

Now, I am striving to be perfectly imperfect. I laugh at myself a lot because I really love who I am. The pressure is off. I can be me and use all that energy I use to put towards trying to be perfect towards something that matters. Like making music that will change people’s lives. Telling my story to those who need to hear it. And being a part of a community again full of imperfect folks just like me.

I wrote a song all about my struggle with perfectionism called….ready for it…”Perfect.” If perfectionism is something you struggle with, I hope you’ll take a minute to check it out. I think you will be able to relate to a lot of it. And I think you may walk away knowing you are already perfect the way you are.

Why I Stopped Messing Around

I am an alcoholic.  Through and through.  I have never been able to go out and have one drink.  If I'm going to drink, I'm going to do it right.  I am going to get drunk.  And not just a little buzzed.  I mean really drunk.  But after years of drinking so much, it became really hard to get drunk.  I was drinking Long Island Teas with Grand Marnier shots all night long.  I remember, I would show up for gigs, down two long island teas and two shots of Grand Marnier back to back before I even started playing!  It was becoming harder and harder to get drunk.  Drinking became a chore.  It wasn't fun anymore.  And here's the real catch - I didn't even like the taste alcohol!  I just liked the effect.  So finally I found myself just trying to gulp down as much as I could as fast as I could, holding back urges to throw up, just trying to get drunk.  I knew something had to change.

"Not looking back on what I use to see."

It wasn't until I ended up in the ER with severe heart palpitations that I realized this was a life or death situation and all this madness was not worth dying for.  I lied there on the gurny while they were running tests on me just thinking "What am I doing?"  I remember, hearing someone in the room next to me crying out in pain.  It was so heartbreaking and I knew that would be me soon if I didn't make a change.  I decided then and there to quit drinking.  That was over 2 years ago now and I haven't had a drink since!

"Stronger now than I was before."

The real miracle is that after I quit drinking, I continued to work in bars every night.  I had to sit there and watch everyone else getting drunk and having a good time, while I drank water and watched in envy.  It was really hard for the first 3 months or so.  I would feel pretty bitter most of the time and just get out of there as soon as my gig was done.  But as time passed, I grew stronger.  I just couldn't stop thinking about how miserable I felt all the time when I was drinking.  I was in a constant haze everyday, perpetually hung over.  No energy.  Little motivation.  In the worse physical shape I've ever been in in my life.  There was no way I was going to go back to that life, so I hung in there night after night.  Day after day.

"You can't take this life from me, don't mess around anymore."

Now, I can't even imagine going back to that life of drinking.  I feel so much better, yes, but I also feel a freedom I never felt when I was drinking.  There is something really beautiful about letting go of an obsession or addiction.  It lets you enjoy life again.  It lets you feel emotions again.  Drinking was stealing my joy away one shot at a time.  I thought it was making me happy but it was really making my life miserable.  I was caught in a cycle of obsession that I couldn't get out of.  There is no way I could go back to that life now.  Don't get me wrong, I get tempted occasionally just like everyone else.  But all I have to do is go back to that night in the ER in mind, remember how miserable and scared I felt, and any temptation I was feeling disappears. 

I am so grateful to be sober over 2 years now.  Most of my friends and family have been really supportive of my choice to quit.  But some people don't get it.  Misery loves company and often I encounter people who want to buy me a drink and don't quite understand why I would say no.  So I wrote a song along with Chela Mancuso (an incredibly talented singer and songwriter) about these experiences called The Mess Around.  I'm excited for you to hear it!  It's all about living a sober life in an alcoholic world.  It's my declaration to those who don't get it. 

I don't mess around anymore.  I got things to do.