A Million Little Things

I have been feeling really anxious, agitated and frustrated lately.

Anyone else?

It seems like every little thing turns into a big deal. It’s left me feeling confused, angry and searching for answers.

I think this is something that a lot of us do to ourselves. With a lot of meditation, prayer, and conversations with some great people, I have started to learn a few things about myself. I’ve got a few ideas on how to make it stop.

I internalize all the little annoying things that happen throughout my day and turn them into personal failures. I write these moments off as “annoying” or “stressful” but what I am really saying internally is “I’m a failure. I screwed up again. If I was better, that wouldn’t have happened. What’s wrong with me?

I’ve already done it while writing this blog post. When I opened up my Chrome browser, I got a notification. You know those annoying notifications you get at the top of your screen from Facebook or YouTube or whatever. I thought I had turned this off. Matter of fact I know I did, but yet here we are. It’s still happening. Instantly I get pissed at myself. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I figure out how to turn off my notifications? I did what google told me to do. Why isn’t it working?

Frustrating yes. Personal failure no.

Sometimes it’s true that something is missing. I don’t have all the information yet. But is that my fault? Does that make me a bad person? Is that a failure?

No. Not at all. It just means that I haven’t learned everything in the world yet. I have a little more studying to do. But how am I supposed to make myself accountable to know things that I don’t even know about yet? That’s a battle I can never win. But placing these impossible expectations on myself, I set myself up for failure. It is the only possible outcome.

I need to learn that if I don’t know something, then it’s not a failure. It’s just something I still need to learn. That really is all there is to it.

It happened another time while writing this post. I used some incorrect grammar (which I do a lot) while typing that first paragraph. Instantly I judged myself. Anger. Frustration. What is wrong with me? Why am I not smarter? If I was smarter I wouldn’t be messing up grammatically and having to spend time fixing all my mistakes. Isn’t it ok to make mistakes? Do I have to have perfect grammar to be ok? No. And besides, they make awesome apps for that now. Grammarly anyone?! :)

A million little frustrations become a million big failures

I take these super small annoying things that happen throughout my day and turn them into big failures. I do this a million times a day and it all adds up to a million failures. And by mid-afternoon, I am emotionally exhausted and trying to figure out why. Maybe it’s because I just spent the first half of my day railing on myself for every little thing I could find wrong. This leads to anger. Depression. Anxiety. Frustration. Agitation. And generally just feeling like an absolute loser.

Here are just a few examples of the way I do this every day. Do any of these sound familiar?

Dropping something in the kitchen, bumping into some furniture, my computer freezing up, when I misread my GPS app and take a wrong turn while driving, when a client questions me, when a student quits their lessons, when someone doesn’t call me back, when I forget the words to a song, when I play a wrong note on the piano, when I fumble on my words when talking to someone. And on and on it goes. A million little things turning into a million huge failures. Every day. Day after day.

Make it stop!

The good news is now that I am aware of this, there is something I can do about it. I need to practice catching these little things as they happen. Acknowledge the frustration and then speak the truth. These are not personal failures. These are just a part of life. I am a human being who makes mistakes. I am a human being who is still learning new things. I am a human being who needs to practice being kinder to myself.

The keyword here is “practice” This is not going to happen overnight. But if I can start making this a daily practice, I can start catching more and more of these little frustrations before they become huge self-deprecating moments.

So my new practice is to acknowledge these little things and to be kinder to myself. If I can do this a million times a day then everything changes. And right now, a change sounds pretty good to me.

Rap Songs About Recovery

I used to drink every single day at WORK!

10 Long Island Teas. 10 double shots of Grand Marnier.

That is how I would start every day at the office. First thing. Before I could get any work done, I had to down at least a couple of each.

Now, full disclosure, I am a full-time musician. I make money from playing music in bars and restaurants i.e. “The Office.” It may be one of the very few jobs where drinking is actually ENCOURAGED on the job.

Sounds awesome, right?

Not at all. I guess it is at first, but it gets old really fast. Because the more your drink, the more you NEED to drink to have a good time. It got to the point where I was living out one of the famous scenes from The Blues Brother’s movie. I would have to pay more for my bar tab than I was getting paid for my services.

And then afterward, I would spend the rest of my money at Taco Bell.

That is what we call an unsustainable business model. And it was. Both for my pocketbook and my body.

It got to the point where I was drinking at least 20 drinks a night and still not feeling a thing. I would throw up from all the shear intake of liquid, then turn around and keep drinking hoping that eventually I would get a little buzz.

Dude. What a miserable existence.

I knew I had to quit when I ended up the E.R. with severe heart palpitations. That was my rock bottom. And I walked out of that hospital and began my sobriety journey.

The hardest part for me was still playing in bars every night. Just because I wasn’t drinking, that didn’t mean i didn’t have to go to work. I had to sit there and watch everyone party around me.

It really sucked.

I was jealous and pissed a lot. I was probably not a lot of fun to be around either.

But it did get better with time.

Anyhoo, the whole reason I am telling you all of this is because one of the biggest saviors in my recovery has been music. I have been able to put all my struggles into rap songs about recovery. It has given me an outlet to pour all my emotion into. I don’t know what I would do without it. I mean, I would still recover one day at a time, but having music to turn to has been a game changer for me.

One of the first songs I wrote about my recovery was a song called “Pain.” As you might guess, it was a song about just how bad my life had gotten. I was in a lot of physical pain and even more emotional pain. I was struggling to see any hope or any way out. So I sat down and wrote a super honest song about it.

“Pain” was really hard to write. I knew if I was going to do this song, I had to be brutally honest. There are a few lines in that song that I still cringe when I hear because it takes me back to that awful place.

Here is one particularly rough part of the song for me to listen to:

“Every day is a battle of wills,
My body versus me and who's got the skills?
Will I get out of bed, able to walk with a high head,
Or will I need a wheelchair instead?
I have to choose if the joy of sitting down is worth the pain of getting up,
Man, writing that down and saying it out loud feels really messed up.”

It was true. I could barely walk and I was headed for a wheelchair for sure. At the age of 40 I was about to need a wheelchair. Not because of any injury or life-threatening disease, but because I couldn’t stop drinking and eating and I had gained so much weight that my body was crumbling beneath me.

One of the first songs I wrote after going to a food recovery retreat and starting to work the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous (same as Alcoholics Anonymous), was a song called “The Mess Around.” I wrote this song with my good friend Chela Mancuso.

This was one of the first songs I wrote when I started to see hope again. This was a fun one to write and record. I still enjoy listening to this one because it reminds me of the hope I have found in recovery!

The Mess Around is all about telling my former drinking buddies why I don’t drink anymore. Basically , get off my case, stop asking me to “just have one dude!” because I don’t mess around anymore.

The lyrics in the third verse really sum it all up:

“ I don't mess around anymore 'cuz I am finally free,
I don't need to impress you people, I can let it be,
And I don't need to escape and numb my feelings out,
I'm not afraid anymore, yo, you should check this out,
See there's a reason that you're here, just have to take the time,
Be willing, honest and sure to open up your mind,
And when you do, I think it's safe to say you're gonna find,
It's time to leave that mess behind, and time to shine.”

I am so thankful for all the songs on my Welcome To The Fellowship album. Each song chronicles a different aspect of my recovery. These songs were a way to get the pain out but they were also a way to express my hope and joy that was starting to come back into my life.

I still go back and listen to these songs quite often. They inspire me and remind me that I’m not alone on this journey. I am part of a “distinct entity” of folks in recovery and I couldn’t be prouder to be a part of this family.

I hope you know that you are never alone. You are surrounded by people who want to love you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

And when you just don’t know what else to do, please don’t forget that music has the power to change your life. Find the music that speaks to you, turn it on and let it wash over you. Music has always shouted truth to me over all the lies rambling around in my brain.

It’s ready and waiting to do the same for you.